Hello.
It’s been a while.
As some of you may know, I have taken a break from twitter this month. There is no particular reason for this, other than the creeping feeling of worthlessness that had started turning up. I find social media has a way of amplifying my feelings, both the good ones and the bad ones. So the best thing for me to do when I’m feeling sad or overwhelmed is to take a step back and get away from the noise for a little while.
I had initially planned on getting lots of game development done during this month, and then come back with something amazing to show. After all, isolating myself from social media has amazing benefits on productive.
And my productivity has been amazing this month. Although I realized very quickly that I needed a break from Miku RPG as well, which I decided to take in parallel with my social media break, so really I don’t have much to show.
I have been thinking a lot though. About what I want and who I want to be. I’ve been drawing a bunch, trying desperately to keep up to date with inktober, then realizing I should be trying to avoid pressuring myself into doing anything I didn’t feel like doing, so giving up halfway through. I’ve been actually using my gym membership. I’ve been doing a lot of crochet, I’ve been trying to learn some yoga, I’ve had a surprisingly successful attempt at watercolor. Oh, and as though I wasn’t busy enough as it is, I accidentally started learning Japanese. Oops.
And I’ve been thinking a lot. I haven’t been able to figure out very many answers, but I sure as hell have come up with very many questions. Do I want to make games full time or as a hobby? Do I want to become an artist instead? Is 20 too old to teach myself how to draw? Do I want to pick up my childhood dream to become a fiction writer? Do I want to make an electronics company with Matt? Do I want to travel the world as a part time language teacher? Do I just want to be normal and finish uni and get a 9-5 job and attempt not to hate it?
As I said, very many questions, very few answers.
But, I do have some answers at least, and just for this one realization, this month off has been worth it. This, of course, is something I already knew, but now have the full and complete determination that I need to accomplish it:
I do not want to have a 9-5 job. And I do not want to work for someone else.
Nothing out of the ordinary when you say it like that, but let me phrase it slightly differently:
I refuse to accept any other permanent full time job. Ever. I may not know what I want to do with my life quite yet, but I do know that I want to do something meaningful and fulfilling and find a dream, find a passion, grab on to it and follow it and make my life be worth it. I want to live a life filled with joy and passion and I want to be remembered as someone who always gave 110% and never let go of a dream without fulfilling it first.
And I know that I can do it.
What this means is that I now have slightly over half a year of full time engineering work left, and then another year at uni. Before this time is over I need to find some form of income that allows me to get paid for something fulfilling and fun, while simultaneously working full time and/or trying to get an acceptable degree. Easy, right?
Let’s make November a great month!
-Marta
P.S.: In case you’re interested, these are some of the side projects I’ve been doing this month:
Dragon Egg Games 